Wallmart
by SaRAWR
Summary: Join everyone's favorite Artemis Fowl characters, and some brand new friends, in an epic tale of shocking truths and indescribable drama. This is WALLMART. *P.S. Please don't sue me.*


WALLMART

Chapter one. Strange things.

How do you like your hair? Long and curly? Big and bushy? Short and flat? Mr Wiggles likes his hair big, colourful, and out of control. He uses a whole tub of hair gel every morning to spike up his long multicoloured hair, into huge spikes, so sharp that anyone unfortunate enough to pass him in the street would need stitches if they happened to come within a meter of him.

Mr Wiggles couldn't live without his hair gel. If anyone took it away from him, all his dreams would shatter. His dreams of winning many golden awards for 'best hair'.

But very peculiar things had begun to happen in Manchester recently. Mr Wiggles often went to Morrisons to stock up on hair gel. But for some reason, the last three times he had been, there had been only one tub left. And that tub always seemed to be on the cheese shelf. This puzzled Mr Wiggles, but as long as he had his precious hair gel, everything was just fine in his book.

This afternoon, Mr wiggles was strolling back from Morrisons with his latest tub of hair gel, when suddenly people started screaming, and the sound of smashing glass echoed throughout the area. Mr Wiggles panicked and walked faster, but before he could do anything about it, a big scary thing with one leg and a sock over it's abnormally large head, jumped off the nearest building and snatched away Mr Wiggles' tub of hair gel.

"What the?!" He screeched. "Give that back!" Mr Wiggles made an attempt to run after the creature, but it must have hopped at a speed of about fifty miles per hour.

When his brain came to the conclusion that he couldn't get back his hair gel, Mr Wiggles broke down on his knees and started to sob into his hands. His precious hair. Screwed. And there was nothing he could do about it. So he thought.

Just then, Mr Wiggles heard the sound of feet running towards him. He jerked his head up to see a man and a woman in jet black jumpsuits with helmets lodged underneath their arms. As for their arms, they were covered in wrist computers and microphones.

"What happened to you?" Asked the woman in a very strict police officer like tone.

"There was… That thing… My hair gel…" Stammered Mr Wiggles.

"Sounds to me like you've just been flatulised by the one and only Flatulent Flaud." Said the man.

"They call him '_Flat_ulent Flaud' because he tends to flatten peoples hair." Explained the woman. "…And because he farts a lot."

"And umm, who are you to know all this?" Asked Mr Wiggles.

"I'm Francine, and this is Bob." Replied the woman. "But you can just call us captain. Well, I'm captain one, and he's captain two."

Bob frowned. "Why am _I_ captain two? I wanna be captain _one_. It was _me_ who had to put up with looking after dad the other day. You owe me big time." He turned to face Mr Wiggles. "He chased me around, trying to cut my hair, shouting 'come here you hippie!' And what's worse, when he talked, he sprayed meatloaf all over me. I stunk of old fogy spit for two days."

"Oh, please. You forgot to give him his medication so he went mad. You were _afraid_ to go anywhere near him."

Mr Wiggles was still on the ground, but now he was sucking his thumb and rocking back and forth. All this information was hard to take in. The flatulence, the hair gel, the meatloaf.

"I want my hair gel back." He murmured.

The two spy secret agent police officers, whoever they were, stopped arguing and turned their attention to the distressed man on the ground.

"Yes, don't worry we'll get your hair gel back. Along with all the other hair gel that has been stolen by Flatulent Flaud and whoever he's working for. That's why we're here. To protect the Earth from flatulent evil super villains!" Announced Francine, or captain one.

Mr Wiggles could have sworn he saw a big spinning rainbow behind the woman. Or it could have been his ungelled multicoloured hair drooping down over his eyes.

"I managed to slip a tracker pill into his boot. We just need to check the locator." Said Bob.

"Oh, my god!" Replied Francine. "You _actually_ _managed _to do something?! This is a real achievement."

Bob wasn't amused. In fact he was quite insulted. But he wasn't one for snappy comebacks, so he just stood there, very straight faced, while his partner checked the locator on her wrist.

The threesome waited impatiently for the big red blip to appear on the small flip up screen. After about ten seconds of awkward silence, a loud beep went off and Francine looked puzzled.

"He's heading south. To… This cant be right. Its crazy."

"To where, to where?" Asked the other men simultaneously.

"He's going into _Asda_." She announced.

Mr Wiggles started to sweat and look anxious. His last encounter with the people at Asda had not been a pleasant one. He had had dealings with Wallmart and his evil workers. (Long story.)

"Wallmart." He breathed.

"Excuse me?" Said Francine, still looking puzzled.

"Wallmart." Repeated Mr Wiggles. "It's him. He's back. I know he is. Who else would do something so incredibly evil?"

"Err, if you don't mind filling us in, who's Wallmart?" Asked Bob, with exactly the same puzzled look on his face that Francine had.

"Wallmart." Started Mr Wiggles.

"Yes, we know. But-"

"The dark lord." Continued Mr Wiggles. "He owns Asda. I have been a victim of his evil doings. He was defeated by two strangers a few months ago, but everyone knew that he would return someday. Who knows what he could be up to this time?!"

"Yes!" Said Francine. "I remember reading something about that in 'the daily cheese'. A criminal mastermind and a female elf saved more than half a million people from this, so called, 'Wallmart' guy. If we were to contact them, maybe we'd have a fair chance in getting all the hair gel back."

"But we don't even know _who_ they are!" Protested Bob. "Never mind where!"

At that moment, two strange figures, one a teenage male in a suit, the other what looked like a child in a jumpsuit and helmet, came running round the corner and up to Francine, Bob and Mr Wiggles.

"Are you alright?" Asked the small child with the helmet on. Her voice sounded extremely mature for a kid that small.

"Why, yes we are." Replied Francine, in a tone sissy blondes might talk to kittens in. "And who might you be little one?"

"Little one?!" Shouted the child. She whipped her helmet off to reveal an adults face, with pointed ears, cropped auburn hair and huge dazzling eyes. One blue, the other hazel.

The two agents and Mr Wiggles stopped and stared.

Mr wiggles was stunned. This girl/woman, whoever she was, was an entirely different species. This would make the whole situation a whole lot harder to understand. "You're a… A…"

"An elf." The young man in the suit completed his sentence. "And my companion." He said.

Mr Wiggles noticed that the guy had one eye blue and one hazel, just like the elf. That confirmed the fact that they were companions.

"So everyone else here is a human, right?" Asked Mr Wiggles. There was so much to take in you could almost see smoke coming out his ears.

"Well actually…" Said Bob. "Me and Francine are an un-specified species. See all this gear?" He pointed to his jumpsuit with all the mini computers attached. "This stuff is part of us, we cant take it off. People call us 'un-spec 4'."

"Why '4'?" Asked Mr Wiggles.

"Because four is my lucky number." Explained Bob, while Francine rolled her eyes.

"Right…" Said Mr Wiggles. "So I got an elf,"

"It's Holly." Said the elf. "Nice to meet you mud man."

Mr Wiggles shot her a strange puzzled glance. "Ok, Polly, nice to meet you too."

"It's Holly." She pointed out.

"Whatever, Molly." He said. Holly opened her mouth to protest, but thought better of it.

"I got two of an un-specified species,"

Bob and Francine nodded their heads.

"And I got…" Mr Wiggles looked at the young man in the suit from head to toe and sighed. "Another human."

"Oh, yes. I'm a human." Said the teenager. His Irish accent tickled Mr Wiggles' brain and made him want to laugh out loud. "Yep, just an ordinary mastermind human with magical powers and telepathic connections with Holly."

Mr Wiggles' jaw hung open as if there were several large bricks strapped onto it.

"Ok." Said Bob. Then he turned to face Holly.

"You seem professional." He said to her. "What are we dealing with here?"

"Ah." She started. "Well, I'm sorry to tell you all this, but Wallmart is back."

"I knew it!" Shouted Mr Wiggles, wagging a finger at the other four... Creatures.

"Yeah, but anyway," Continued the elf. "Wallmart has a new plan. After we defeated him last time he had to scrap all his work and start again. He's gathered workers, those include flatulent Flaud, then sent them out to steal hair gel of every brand. Even the ones with the little bubbles in. His plan is to steal all the hair gel in the world, put it in Asda so everyone goes in there to buy it, then lock innocent people inside the building and vaporise them using millions of neutrino lasers built into the walls."

"We have to get back that hair gel!" Announced Francine, again with the spinning rainbow.

"And we have to defeat Wallmart!" Said Bob. More spinning rainbows.

"And I have to use the bathroom!" Announced the tall Irish youth. No spinning rainbows. Just eight eyes staring at him.

"What?" He asked. "I haven't been since before we came through the time tunnel."

"That was only an hour ago." Said Holly.

Mr Wiggles pointed down the street. "The bathroom's that way." He explained.

The Irish mastermind dashed down the road in the direction of Mr Wiggles' finger. He couldn't help but notice that his nails were painted pink…

Chapter two. The gang take action.

After sorting themselves out, getting kitted up, and of course, using the bathroom, Mr Wiggles, Bob, Francine, Holly and the teenager with the funny accent who refused to mention his name, all went to the nearest shuttle port to take the shuttle to Asda. The team was now equipped with wrist communicators and laser guns. They refused to ware helmets on account that they made their heads look big.

Everyone in the shuttle was seated. Holly and the youth sat in the cockpit. Holly was fiddling with the controls and adjusting the headrest in the drivers seat. Bob, Francine and Mr Wiggles were seated in a little room at the back of the shuttle, gaping at the equipment. It was beyond high tech, even by Bob and Francine's standards. There was a giant plasma screen on one of the walls. Mr Wiggles couldn't resist. He picked up the remote and turned immediately to sky one.

"Seven 'o' clock." He explained. "The Simpsons double bill."

"Oh turn that rubbish off." Moaned Francine over the loud growling of the engines starting up. "Don't men ever watch anything important?"

"Tell me about it." Agreed Holly's voice from the intercom.

"The Simpsons _are_ important." Protested Bob. "They taught me everything I know."

"Yeah, which isn't a lot." Said Francine, grinning.

Holly's voice came through the intercom again. Her strict tone had returned. Return of the strict tone. Dem dem deeem. Ha ha. Like it. I should write a book about that. It would be a mega best seller.

But anyway…

"Prepare for take off." She said.

"Ok, Dolly." Replied Mr Wiggles.

Holly gritted her teeth. "That's the worst one." She muttered under her breath.

Beside her, the Irish mastermind strapped himself in tightly. Shuttles went over five thousand mils per hour, if you happened to come out your seat for any reason, you'd end up a big mush on the back of the shuttle wall before you could say pickled eggs.

"Three…" Holly began the countdown. "Two… One!" The shuttle shot down the chute, leaving the group members' faces rippled by G-force.

But it didn't last long. After about two seconds, the tear-drop shaped craft crashed into a brick wall. Holly smiled with satisfaction.

"Oh look." She said happily. "We're here!"

Some of the brick from the wall crumbled away, leaving a sign. A green one. It read, ASDA, in huge letters. Mr Wiggles almost had a heart attack. But instead, he let out a sharp gasp of fear as the others just stared at the sign.

Bob figured it was his turn to say something, although what he said didn't really help anybody.

"Dem, dem, deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeem!" He shouted, as some background music started playing randomly from nowhere.

Holly led the way out the damaged shuttle. In the wall was a door that was the entrance to Asda. The only problem was, nobody had any idea where the door was, and the wall was about half a mile long.

"Right, everyone look for a door." Ordered Holly.

"Where is it?" Asked Mr Wiggles.

Francine sighed. "That's why we're looking for it."

Mr Wiggles chewed his bottom lip and nodded. He still looked a little confused.

The Irish kid, Bob, Francine and Holly all started searching the wall for door handles. Mr Wiggles lay face up on the ground staring at the ceiling.

"What, are you doing?!" Asked Bob.

"Looking for doors in the ceiling." Replied Mr Wiggles calmly.

"Logically impossible." The youth pointed out.

"Yeah, so's being able to heal yourself, and we can both do that." Protested Holly.

"Actually…" Francine went on. "Mr Wiggles might actually be on to something. Why would evil genius Wallmart put a door in the wall, where people would expect it to be?"

The tall youth thought for a moment. Manicured nails scraped across the bottom of his chin. Then he followed Mr Wiggles' gaze towards the ceiling.

"Will you please hand me the binoculars, Holls?" He asked his tiny companion.

Holly growled. All these strange names were making her stressed. Why couldn't everyone just call her 'Holly'? It was simple enough. But, as she had figured out many years ago, arguing with a genius was not a good idea unless you were prepared to punch them in the face. So she handed the binoculars to him.

He looked through them for several moments, squinting at various parts of the ceiling. His eyes lit up as he looked to the right near the wall.

He handed the binoculars back to Holly.

"We have him." He announced. "Up there."

The Irish teen pointed a skinny finger towards the door in the ceiling, that was barely visible against the brickwork.

"But how do we get up there?" Bob asked the obvious question.

"I got it covered." Said Holly, as she pulled a set of wings out her bag and strapped them onto her back. Mr Wiggles' Bob's and Francine's eyes all widened at once. Was there anything elves didn't have? The answer to that question, is no.

"I'll fly you all up there one by one." She explained.

Chapter three. Wallmart.

Timothy J Wallmart was sat at his desk in his office on a gold leather chair stroking a fluffy white Persian kitten that was sleeping on his lap. Beside him was a filing cabinet overflowing with evil plans. On top of that was his favourite action figure, Dr Sprocket the evil super villain.

He was pondering how the world would soon be in his grasp, and how Asda would soon be king of the supermarkets once again.

His evil ponderings were rudely interupted by Flatulent Flaud, his chief worker, as he burst through the doors.

"Flaud!" Shouted the evil genius. "What in god's name are you playing at?! Bursting in here, while I'm busy pondering. You might mess up my brain!"

"Awfully sorry to bother you, your lordship." Flatulent Flaud apologised. "But, we have unexpected visitors." He pointed to the security cameras in the far corner of the office. There, they could clearly see a group of five strange beings _flying _up through the door in the ceiling.

"Just get a couple of flatulisers on them." Sniggered the dark lord. "They don't stand a chance. Do they Dr Sprocket?" He picked up his favourite action figure, of which he had assured to the others, was not a dolly, and squeezed it's belly.

"Super villains aren't afraid of vitamin C broccoli, no matter what the taste!" It said.

"I'm allergic. Not afraid." Argued Wallmart.

Suddenly, the gang of five strange beings (Holly, Bob, Francine, Mr Wiggles and the kid with the funny accent, for of course, it was them) All burst through the side door of his office, armed to the teeth with neutrino laser guns.

"CUDDLES!" Screeched the dark lord.

The five heroes looked puzzled and held their fire for a moment. Until Wallmart's obvious bodyguard came into the office as well. His bodyguard who's name was _Cuddles._

The Irish youth started to chuckle under his breath. "Cuddles!" The word escaped from his mouth before he could do anything about it.

"Right that's it." Said _Cuddles_ as he cracked his knuckles, rolled his sleeves up and started striding towards the group.

Holly wasn't taking any chances. She immediately started firing bursts from her neutrino at the huge, shaved man in front of her. Bob and Francine followed her example, while Mr Wiggles and the mastermind kid ducked and put their hands on top of their heads. Action was not for them. The youth had the brains, and Mr Wiggles had, umm, well, nothing. He was just here for the hair gel.

"People, people!" Shouted Wallmart over the loud sound of laser guns being fired. "There's no need for violence!"

As soon as that was said, Cuddles the bodyguard stepped aside and did as he was told, while Bob, Francine and Holly held their fire and Mr Wiggles and the Irish kid got helplessly to their feet.

"If there's no need for violence," Started the youth with the funny accent. "Then you might want to think about what you're planning to do to all those innocent hair gel users."

Wallmart looked shocked. How could this boy have known about his evil plans? Surely he must have been spying. The evil genius was determined to keep these people from knowing any more.

"Oh," He replied. "It's nothing too serious. Don't you worry your juvenile head about it."

Holly winced. Nobody on or under the Earth would ever dare call this kid juvenile. Yes, he may of looked like a teenager, but he had more knowledge than all the geniuses in the world put together.

He stood there, blinking. His huge eyes wide, as if he'd just seen a pig in the sky eating cucumber flavour ice-cream with a knife off a poisonous mushroom.

"W… What?" He stammered.

"I said don't worry about it." Answered Wallmart, though he could tell something was dreadfully wrong.

"You said I was… I was… _Juvenile!_" He said, his deep, eerie voice growing louder and more irritated with every syllable.

"Well, you are." Continued the dark lord. "You're only… sixteen, seventeen years of age."

Holly bit her lip as her companion's right eye began to twitch. The others looked at eachother nervously.

"Fifteen, actually." Whispered the Irish boy. "And I'll have you know that I have more knowledge in one measly brain cell than you do in your entire brain."

"I highly doubt that, kid." Replied Wallmart.

The youth wasn't going to take anymore. He bared his pearly teeth and launched himself at the dark lord, like a wild cat pouncing on it's pray.

Wallmart wouldn't of stood a chance again him in this state, which was exactly why Cuddles quickly stepped in front of him. It was a shame really. It would have been interesting to see who would win in a fight, an evil genius or a former evil genius. But it was pretty easy to tell who would win in this fight. A trained bodyguard or a former evil genius.

Cuddles grabbed the Irish boy, lifted him up and threw him out the office window, and into the supermarket that was the dreaded Asda. It would have been OK, hadn't the window been closed.

Tiny fragments of shattered glass sprinkled the floor like chocolate powder over a cappuccino.

Holly shoved the others out the way and rushed to the broken window. The others gathered round behind her.

"Are you ok?!" She shouted down to her companion as he sat up groaning, blue sparks still spewing from his fingers.

"Yes." He replied calmly, the mad look had completely deserted him. "Lucky I had a full supply of magic."

Holly and the rest of the gang sighed.

Wallmart was still a little confused. Something he definitely wasn't often. He stood there stiffly trying to make sense of everything while Bob and Francine hopped out the window to investigate the supermarket.

Mr Wiggles strode up to Cuddles.

"You know," He started. "That was really mean. You should pick on someone your own size. Perhaps an elephant or a rhino. Or maybe a teenage mutant ninja turtle."

"I could beet those turtles with my hands behind my back." Argued Cuddles.

Mr Wiggles made a 'W' shape with his hands and mouthed 'whatever', before climbing out the window and running to join his new friends.

Wallmart snapped out of his gormless daze.

"You do know," He said slyly to Holly who was just about to follow Mr Wiggles. "If you go in there I could vaporise you like that." He clicked his fingers loudly.

Suddenly, without warning, a tiny fist collided with his nose before Cuddles even had time to react. The dark lord stumbled backwards and landed with a thump on his backside.

Holly blew on the top of her knuckles.

"You hit me!" He said helplessly.

"There's plenty more where that came from." Replied Holly, a smirk growing across her face. Then she skilfully jumped out the window to join the others.

Asda itself was incredible. There were rows and rows of shelves, packed with food, drink, clothes, toys and most importantly, thousands of tubs of hair gel. Mr Wiggles gaped in awe.

"Wow." He whispered. "I've never seen anything like it! … Well, apart from Morrisons."

Back in the office, Wallmart watched CCTV footage of the gangs every move. Hearing that remark made him grind his teeth.

"We need to take back this hair gel!" Announced Francine.

The moment she said that, the others scooped up as much hair gel as possible and made for the huge Asda double doors.

But the Irish youth knew that this wasn't going to be that easy. Last time he faced Wallmart, he and Holly had almost been killed.

Wallmart wasn't taking any chances with this group. He wasn't giving them any advantages. Not this time. He rubbed together his ghostly white hands and pushed the big red button on the control panel. This set the lasers off.

A screechy loud alarm sounded from each corner of the supermarket.

"Lasers activated." Announced a robot voice from the speakers, as the Asda doors were automatically locked. Small hatches opened all over the walls, revealing a million gun like devices.

The gang looked at eachother for a moment.

"We're all gonna die!" Screamed Mr Wiggles.

Wallmart's evil super villain laugh came through the speakers and echoed round the supermarket.

"That you are!" He laughed. "And there's nothing you can do about it."

Holly clenched her fists.

"Surely there must be _something _we can do!?" She said, her voice shaky and nervous. "_Anything!"_

The Irish boy looked around. His brow started to sweat. He shot Holly a confused glance and stared at her with huge, sad eyes.

That was when she realised.

"No." She said. "There's nothing. Is there?" She asked her companion. If there was anything they could do to save themselves, he would of thought of it.

The others eagerly awaited the answer.

But the youth didn't say a thing. Instead he broke down to his knees, trying to stop the tears spilling from his eyes.

That said enough.

"Activate lasers, in three…" The robotic voice began the countdown.

"I'm too young to die!" Shouted Bob.

"Two…"

"I never thought I'd die this way." Whimpered Mr Wiggles. "Being vaporised by an evil super villain in a supermarket trying to get back hair gel."

"One."

The group huddles together and all screamed simultaneously.

"Lasers disabled." Announced the robotic voice.

Everyone got to their feet.

"But how?" Asked bob.

Up in the control panel, Flatulent Flaud had disabled the lasers.

"NO!" Screeched the dark lord, not knowing that the speakers were still on.

"I told you you'd pay for not giving me that raise." Said Flatulent Flaud, the newest member of the hero family.

The group cheered louder than ever.

"Now, quick." Ordered Holly. "Lets get this hair gel out of Asda!"

Everyone did as they were told, including Flatulent Flaud, who grabbed another load of hair gel and followed his new gang out of the supermarket.

Chapter four. Ta da!

"So." Said Mr Wiggles, after the group had cleaned themselves up, used the bathroom, and of course, reapplied their hair gel. "I defeated my first evil super villain."

"Oh, I wouldn't say 'defeated'." Explained the Irish boy. "Wallmart will be back. He always is. Except next time, he'll have all of us to deal with."

The spinning rainbow had returned. It made Mr Wiggles smile.

"What should we do now?" Asked Francine.

"Lets have a party!" Announced Flatulent Flaud.

"Great Idea!" Said Holly.

Mr Wiggles smile beamed from cheek to cheek. He winked at the tub of hair gel in his hand. "I'll wear my hair especially."

THE END


End file.
